ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
