i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize