Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I want her autograph on my taint
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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