I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
