Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
