dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
