i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
