All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
