A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
