You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
