so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
