These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
