There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize