I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
