you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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