Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
