my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Randomize
