now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
