i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Even my vagina gasped.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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