your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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