I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
It's shark week go big or go home
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
