I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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