i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Randomize
