two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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