how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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