can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize