Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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