Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
