i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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