I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
