Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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