she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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