I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
