I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
