Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
