I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize