Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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