Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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