my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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