My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
