Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
