So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
