i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
