She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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