I think my vagina is haunted
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
