the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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