I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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