I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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