so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
