remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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