Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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