and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
