apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
