Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
