he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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