hell yes lets make some ravioli
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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