How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize