so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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